Rating Scale: 1-7
The Kings Man (2021)
Zoe: A random trip to the movie theatre always gives us a contender for our list. For some reason, we can't take a trip to the theatre without seeing some weird shit. Having seen the other movies in the Kingsman series, I expected the violence of this movie. What I did not expect was to see Rasputin licking our main character's leg in order to heal it, AND IT WORKING. Also the way he vomited after eating the pie.... ew. The ending was a bit anticlimactic, I'm not sure what I would wish for more of, but the last line before killing our villain.....horrid. It did serve some laughs and interesting surprises, but it is definitely is not my favorite in the series. 4.2/7
Laani: We pretty much decided to go see this movie in theaters on the flip of a coin. Were we disappointed? No, not at all. Was it weird? YES. Were there plot holes? Yes. Did Rasputin eat half a poisoned pie, lick a man's leg back to relative health, projectile vomit, dance his way through a sword fight and then get assassinated three (3) times in the same scene? Well, the answer to that is pretty obvious. Overall, I would absolutely recommend this movie. It's a dumpster fire in the best and also worst ways. All of the snappy trashy one-liners and supposed zingers. All of the missing information. All of the surprising plot points that made no damn sense. The one surprising plot point that made 128% sense, but was so absolutely out of the blue. 4.6/7 This movie would be a nice red wine that comes in a really pretty bottle and is smooth upon first taste but gets this really bitter alcohol-y taste halfway through a full sip that makes you take a look at the proof on the side of the bottle. Not for everyday consumption, but better than many others.
2. Osmosis Jones (2001)
Zoe: After much slander from Laani since I hadn't seen this movie, we dedicated a night to it. I will have to admit that I was pretty entertained. Not because it was good, but just because it knew what it was and didn't try to be anything else. The Bill Murray scenes were rather gross, but otherwise not nearly as bad as a lot of movies we have seen. 5/7.
Laani: My thoughts... This shit is terrible. It's straight up A1 top tier garbage. It's awful and GROSS, but it's very very entertaining. Don't eat anything while watching this, cause, again, it's about gross germs, and a gross man with them all inside of him, but decently good, still. They even throw some random science facts in there for the average Anato-nerd, which I verily appreciate. I caught most of them as a child, cause I was a fucking dork and knew everything all the time, but as an adult that knows significantly less relative to my environment and concurrent interests, I was able to grasp more of them, and also the adult jokes they threw in for the less scientifically-inclined. Overall, a fun, crisp 4.5/7. If this movie were a wine, it'd be a very good merlot with a really cheap cork that got shredded when you tried for 15 minutes, passed the bottle through several hands, and used several different utensils and angles with those utensils to try to pry open, and then, when you finally succeeded (what a success, huh?) a little bit of the cork fell into it, but you drank it anyway with the fruitless hope that you never got any of it in your glass, or else you just drank around it and went on about your day.
3. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2018)
Zoe: I've been waiting a long time to watch this movie. None of the subscriptions we have seemed to line up.... until the other day. This was not a well made movie at times, (i'm looking at you horrible cgi splats of blood), but I loved it. It was wild, funny, and unexpected at all times. I got my fill of Adam Driver yelling at anything and everything, which was nice. I was fully in distress when our old man died at the end. I was starting to like him despite him being a little bit of a shit. However, I was fully shook when he passed his "soul" to Toby. I did like that we got to see what "Don" had been seeing the entire time at the end though. That was a good touch. 6.6/7.
Laani: What. What. WHAT. This movie =Art Film. As many of the projects Adam Driver stars in tend to be, this movie is a doozey in both the best and worst ways possible. At the beginning, you think you know exactly how the movie is going to go, but in the first 30 minutes, everything unravels and devolves into this deep, dark, madness and you realize that this movie is a non-serious movie about a serious topic that doesn't take itself too seriously, and your brain can not even handle it. My biggest and most fanatical take-away is that this man went to Spain, gave an old man a mental illness, came back to Spain, toggled between playing along with and trying to rid him of said mental illness, killed the old man- which somehow managed to both surprise and devastate me despite the title- and inherited the mental illness and disappeared off the face of the earth with a woman he had a brief entanglement the first time he was in Spain. 5.7/ 7. It's been a while since an art film has hit me that way. As a wine, this would be a deep dark wine with notes of vanilla and an oddly upbeat fruitiness. Probably some sort of merlot fortified with a cabernet. Tastes like old, mature wine drinking, but remains sweet and easy. Tantalizing.
4. Odd Thomas (2014)
Zoe: Who the hell wrote this movie? Stormy was bothering me the entire time with quips they gave her that were supposed to be clever. They were clunky and awkward, to make it worse there was always a pause after she said something, as if we are supposed to laugh. The actor who played Thomas gave a thoroughly stiff performance until the end. I don't know what suddenly caused the actor to show any kind of emotion, but I feel I would have been more entertained if he had it the entire time. Also why were we trying to thirst trap Willem Dafoe multiple times throughout this movie??? Was this to get the audience's attention that they couldn't keep? I don't know. The CGI was the saving grace in this movie. I would hate to say "good for it's time" because it is literally a 2014 film, but it is sadly fact. They were pretty much the only thing that was keeping my attention throughout the film, and didn't even bring a lot of importance to the movie as a whole. To be blunt, I was bored. I am shocked they killed of Stormy, but bored. 2/7
Laani: How did they even make this movie and not expect anybody to talk shit from the very first moment? All of the dialogue is contrived and dry and impersonal to the point where I feel like I'm watching a fanfiction- and by the way, I watched After, Twilight, AND Galaxy Quest (read last semester's CMN post ;)))))) ) and I have never been so offended- this is not even based on a fanfiction! It was a whole book first! Is this what the dialogue looked like in the book? Shame on everyone involved. The main character's acting dehydrates you. The main character's girlfriend's lines are written to make you believe in her false sense of quirkiness and witty attitude, but instead, they take you so far out of the narrative that it is impossible to put yourself back and you can only talk shit about it until the end where they make her stop talking as a ghost and Zoe makes a brief joke about how she's finally closed her damn mouth, but doesn't realize that no one else can see her and she's actually said less then Ben Solo at the end of TRoS since the shootout, and then gets bamboozled when they tell Odd that he needs to let her go. Anyway, there are equal parts art and vapid, flashy, untimeliness in the way they slyly told you "Ghosts don't talk" at the very beginning. The concept of the creepy flesh-ghost guys (the porzacs? the balkans?) and generally the way that they look is very cool. The limb thing and how they kind of fluidly morph their bodies to the most convenient shape at the time is honestly God-tier. However the whole narrative and the rules of the universe kind of fall apart in the last twenty minutes, so the score moves back down. (2/7) It gets one point for being a movie and one point for the prozacs. oh no, it gets exactly 0.07 points back for giving me an idea for a story I'm working on. Updated rating: 2.07/7 This movie is a dry but fruity wine that you're scared to touch because it's been open for a little bit and you know it probably won't give you botulism but you still have a couple more bottles so you tend to hit those before you even entertain that one.
5. Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
Zoe: Now screw all of you who told me not to watch this movie. This was funny as hell and you cannot change my mind. I understand why this is a cult classic now, they even took the time out to give each of our clowns a personality of its own. Lanni and I even picked friends to match up with each clown. She fell asleep. So this was mostly an endeavor I took on my own. The costumes are pretty gross, I will admit that especially when that one dude is drinking, like, human juice out of the cotton candy balls at the end. That was nasty. Why did we have to zoom in on the lips? I'm mad a dog as murdered at the beginning, but all is forgiven. This is a movie I would definitely re-watch, and i cannot say that for almost any of the movies on this list. 4.3/7.
Laani: Because we have to have one every semester, this was the first movie on this list I completely fell asleep several times while watching. My mom kept begging us to watch this movie, but I repeatedly insisted that this movie was responsible for 67% of my nightmares between the ages of 5 and 11. Turns out, it's not actually that bad- well, it's PRETTY bad, but it's not all that scary as an adult. It's actually pretty funny. From the way the girl at the beginning accidentally looks straight down the barrel of the camera, as if she thought the scene had already ended to the way the one clown was always accompanied by this dramatic bassline, which he often walked to the beat of.
This thing was just as creepy as an adult, and no one can change my mind, but I had a lot of fun watching it and the soundtrack? ~chef's kiss~ 5.6/7 If this movie were a wine, it'd be a novelty sort of wine cocktail. Something pink and sweet, like a Pomegranate Grapefruit Frose, with a dry rose and more vanilla vodka than not. Not my favorite, but fun, flirty, and thought-provoking.
P.s. As a general disclaimer, I'm not going to say that I dress exactly like the guy with the red glasses, or the Klown in the purple onesie, or a delicate combination of the both of them, but let's be honest. If you know, you know.
Ps.s. Also, after it was over, I did go ask auntie Google if there was a record for the soundtrack. So... One retweet and I'll buy the record for the soundtrack.
6. The Fly (1986)
Zoe: This movie was a lot nastier than what i was expecting. Now, don't get me wrong, Jeff Goldblum put in a pretty good performance. Good for him. However, the rest of this movie had me crying and throwing up (figuratively of course). I stopped eating almost as soon as the body horror began. I can watch a lot of horror, but body horror is my mortal enemy. Despite the nastiness, I really do think that Goldblum's performance was the highlight of this movie. He leaned into the good practical effects that they had, keeping the audience disgusted, yet engaged in the film. Most of the plot was eh, I wasn't super impressed with the dude who played Veronica's ex. That whole plot line with him was super weird and just kind of unnecessary. I also don't know why the whole insinuation that the cut Seth got caused the fusion. Especially since they fused at the molecular level. It was a weird attempt a foreshadowing that really didn't work, they just had some hairs grow out of that area first. Overall, I think the movie was pretty average. 4/7.
Laani: So kids, how does the Brundlefly eat? Like hell. This thing is nasty. Like... Woah... Not enough to keep me from eating my spicy beef bone broth ramen, but still pretty gross. The one thing that keeps floating around in my mind is the fact that I just KNOW that Jeff Goldblum was only cast because of his huge fly-esque eyes and his unassuming nerdy creep energy. They make him hold his eyes open so wide the entire movie before he transforms and it is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I also love it when people compare this movie to The Metamorphosis. Just like it, this movie is a solid think piece, tbh. There are so many memes to be made of the goofy lines and illogically random transformation logic, but overall I'd be willing to give it a 5.3/7. Rewatch value would be extremely high if it wasn't just the worst thing visually. Puke value, though... 19/7. Don't think of the rate of equivalency there. Just take my word for it. This movie would be a half-bottle of very complex red with a smooth finish that is linked to a really bad memory of being wine drunk and falling down the stairs and vomiting all the way down. Like very nice wine. No one's arguing. But you do have to get past certain connotations of the thing to really enjoy it.
7. Studio 666 (2022)
Zoe: This movie was horrible, yet amazing at the same time. I loved to see the Foo Fighters just having fun and messing around on a movie set. Ironically, everyone acted better than Dave, who actually wrote the damn movie. I think he watched too many 80s horror flicks. It was a lot more gory than I expected, with someone getting shoved onto a grill, ran over buy a car, sliced with a cymbal, all the works. I really loved this film, it was meant to be fun and not taken to seriously, and that is what it was. 6/7.
Laani: Pearl Jam high five! This shit is abysmal. Literally. Dave Grohl is so hilariously dad rock and the movie is no proof otherwise. It was witty and very funny but gory as fuck for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Honestly, exactly what you would expect from the lead singer of the Foo Fighters. At every turn, you were either like: "Dave... wtf..." "That was definitely bad on purpose, right?" or "HUH?" and that drives my rating up pretty high. I love it when you can enjoy a story while recognizing that it is pretty much a spoof piece/not-too-serious passion project. I've found my people. Somehow it comes as no great shock that one of the most enjoyable movies on this semester's list is made by an old musician and his friends about essentially a camping trip gone wrong in a very spooky, punk rock ghost way. Just like The Fly, the rewatch value would be very high if not for the woman getting her head busted open with a hammer before the first title card. 5.7/7 mm mm mm. This movie is definitely a Dark and Stormy Death Punch Cocktail with a little bit of a smoky, robust red wine to give it a bloodier look and taste. (It's technically not a wine or a wine cocktail at all but rum and ginger beer? It has Grandpa Dave smeared in viscera all over it.
8. Fresh (2022)
Zoe: Now, despite being excited for this movie, I did not expect this shit to be as good as it was. was terrifying, funny, fun, intense, and subverts your expectations a multitude of times. Sebastian Stan and Daisy-Edgar Jones give absolutely immaculate performances. I did not expect one of my favorite Seb roles to be as psychotic cannibal, but it is me so what can it say. The dance scenes were definitely a highlight. I have been listening to Obsession religiously since watching this movie, no I will not apologize. Noa is smart and uses Steve's attraction to her to her advantage. She really even had me convinced at one point when she was eating those meals. This shit is a new favorite movie, 6.5/7.
Laani: SUBVERSION OF EXPECTATIONSSSS !!!! You know what? I'll say it. Sebastian Stan is a fucking psychopath cannibal-murderer, and he really sells it in this performance. To say that we definitely expected way less out of this movie would be the grandest understatement- however, the shock of it being a pretty decent movie is no less than pleasant. From Seb giving performance after performance of enthusiastic renditions of 80's hit songs, frightfully skillful dance moves included, to the very thoughtfully crafted bad dates that Lauryn Kahn throws in for extra relatable flavor, this thing packs in a myriad of both respectable and enjoyable moments that send this movie hurtling towards the top of this list. 5.6/7 While it's not the kind of movie you rewatch eight million times and keep finding different little gifts from the writer, director and cast, we keep rewatching this damn thing. If it were any kind of wine, I imagine it would be a nice (definitely not spiked) Old Fashioned with an embarrassing amount of maraschino cherries (you might just have to watch the movie for this reference) and a *touch* just a *hint* of the 19 Crimes Snoop Dogg Cali Ros (to keep it a wine-adjacent drink).
9. Spawn (1997)
Zoe: Laani definitely talked this movie up far more than it deserved. The plot of this movie was somehow boring despite literal satan being a character. Spawn's powers go from 0 to literally 1,000 in like 10 minutes. How does he lose to this damn clown thing, just to defeat satan and his ENTIRE army two seconds later. That makes not a single lick of sense. The pacing of this movie was very poor as well, I was quite literally bored at times. The only performance worth mentioning was John Leguizamo eating this very strangle role up. I can't make fun of the CGI too much because of the time period why the hell does Satan look like that???? Literally 0.5/7. :/ Laani owes me my time back.
Laani: This shit is nowhere near the level of excellence I expected of it from my latest 2007 viewing of the movie. It was all so cool as a kid! But as an adult this shit reeks of failed potential. I mean, come on! Michael Jai White is always giving the grade A, patented, state certified DRAMA and John Leguizamo literally carried this whole thing on his back for 96 minutes straight in a fat suit and some blue eyeshadow. Honestly, John's masterful performance might be the only saving grace to this screenplay, from eating LIVE maggots on set to coming up with eight million degrading nicknames for Spawn (Including Crispy and all its gratuitous variations), this man PACKED IT IN. Also the suit was pretty good for '97, I must say. The devastatingly cg cape was absolutely not. The Evil-Doer was not it. At all. And the demon form of the Clown looks like the roach man from MIB if he was a big gremlin. ALSO I remembered the mentor Angel guy being much more integral to the plot? But Zoe pointed out from a prone position, nose buried in her phone, that there were simply not enough stakes to justify the constant state of agony Spawn was in 25/8. Here's another number; 3.7/7- JUST because of John and the dog. And I know I said the cape was not it, but it is one of the cooler things about the character- no matter how underutilized. If this movie was a wine, it'd be a dark wine endorsed by a really cool celebrity that just doesn't cut it. It's far too alcohol-y but somehow far too sweet at the same time.
10. Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005)
Zoe: I surprisingly hadn't seen this movie before, which again, got me yelled at by Laani and many other people. This was a funny, entertaining, feel-good movie that I would definitely watch again. Alan Rickman killed it as usual, his character was perfect for my sense of humor. Zooey Deschanel gave what she always gives: mediocre quirky love interest. Despite this, the movie was funny and cute. Would watch again. 6.3/7.
Laani: I was waiting to get to this movie. Loved it in childhood. The love has followed and blessed me into adulthood. Some stuff is not as funny tbh, but I mean... It is still just... a freaking masterpiece. The funniest part about this entire movie probably has to be the fact that the only thing saving the universe from losing a president in a shoot out was a gun invented by angry housewives used to project the depression of a ROBOT onto the masses of shooters, which turned them all into babies with no muscles and no will to live. I literally can't wait to read these books. Martin Freeman= comedy. Stephen Frye= The narrator we all want but don't deserve. Bill Nighy= An old man who has been old since the dawn of time. Zooey Deschanel= The same bitch in every show/movie (still pretty good). Alan Rickman=Dilf (Dude I'll love forever) Helen Mirren as The Big Thought, the most intelligent and high processing computer in the universe= 42. All in all, this movie is about a 5.97/7 If it were a wine it would be a tasty sparkling rose steeped in playful fruitiness with a sophisticated edge of social commentary.
11. Catwoman (2004)
Zoe: Laani talked this movie up because of her past watching, which was probably the year it came out. Unsurprisingly, this turned out to be horrible. Halle Berry gave the weirdest performance. I know that this is a huge transformation but the way she "flirted" was absolutely horrifying. Also, that basketball scene is in my nightmares. 0/10 for CGI running scenes, I did laugh at loud at multiple points. Also, why did everyone in that office wear the same thing every day??? I'm so confused. Regardless, bad plot, bad CGI, bad acting. 2/7 material.
Laani: Now, this is a childhood movie that didn't... really... hit it... Okay, to be fair, it was not the atrocity that Spawn was. Zoe hates this movie a lot more than I'd give it credit for. For child me, this movie was a girl boss anthem, complete with Halle Berry saying "F U" to the man and gaining her independence from a domineering white woman and her unfortunately inconsiderate and ineffectual husband. There are a lot of things this movie does right. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things it does wrong and even more things that it does... mediocre. Still, I appreciate this movie for the semi-art piece that it is and for inspiring little Laani to get in touch with her bad ass side and daydream about doing things and being able to talk to people the way I do now. Not that this movie is the sole reason I can do any of that at all, but it was definitely one of those powerful childhood experiences that stick with you through adulthood. 4/7 This movie is a wild ride with a pretty darn heckin okay (5 track) soundtrack. As a wine, it would be a red wine-spiked red velvet hot chocolate. Not the strongest or the greatest but very fun and flirty with a little bit of an adult girlboss twist.
12. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Zoe: As Laani mentions, there is a literal point where the white duck yells a slur at the black duck. I have never been so flabbergasted watching a movie for crazy movie night in any other moment than that. There is a lot of funny things about this movie, however, I still cannot get past the representation of Jessica Rabbit. The "I'm gonna ram em" moment in the taxi cab will never not be funny despite this. 1/7.
Laani: Why, I oughta...! Give this film a -10/7. Whose bright idea was it to make the white and black looney tunes ducks yell slurs at each other.. Like I can see it being funny for a VERY selective audience but like... Anyway, it is a childhood favorite. I've always liked it. I was obviously just too young and probably didn't have enough of an attention span to catch all of the silly goofy shit that only a very specific portion of its audience *ahem* bigoted, sexist, racist old white men *ahem* would enjoy. Excuse me, ya'll. Allergies. Idk why but Judge Doom gave me nightmares. I hated him. I thought his death was really senselessly morbid, as were a lot of the things they did to the tunes. And I know I'm coming off a little like a weird ALT, ALT, ALT, ALT, ALT ALT left cartoon activist (It probably exists, idk) but I just feel like they took a lot of liberties to do shit to the tunes that would be very VERY gruesome and grimy if they were actual people in a film. Idk, they just really knew their venue and what they could get off in the absence of a clear boundary. After some review, I also realize that they were mostly playing to *ahem* bigoted, sexist, racist, old white men *ahem* damn pollen... As the majority of people who grew up with the tunes and would enjoy them being uncharacteristically humanized and incredibly tangible. There were a lot of funny moments in it for a youngin like me, too. The Taxi Car was consistently supplying a source of entertainment with his dramatic ass limping and persistent complaining. 3/7 This movie, if magically wined up, would be a silly goofy fruit forward moscato with silly goofy notes like strawberry and melon. An adult drink dressed up as a cute, cuddly fruity treat, but it'll knock ya out if you're not too careful.
13. Them (2021- ?)
Zoe: This was a very interesting and horrifying show. This was horror done very very well, which is extremely rare. The build up to the last episode is almost flawless, other than the random episode about the priest. That section is relevant to the story, but does not need an entire episode to itself. Da Tap Dance Man: scary as hell. Betty Wendell: absolutely unhinged and annoying as hell. The scene that follows me the most, however, is cat in a bag. I cannot begin to explain how Mrs. Emory even held on for as long as she did. Henry Emory's visions are also a huge part of the horror of the show. They built them up, and brought the audience to the perfect peak of anticipation. 7/7. Can't wait for season 2.
Laani: Whatcha gon' do? This shit is very potent and scary and I've watched the whole thing from start to finish twice now and I would still watch it again. When I first watched this movie, it was right when they'd started advertising it using that weird ass clip of Da Tap Dance Man coming from the corner of Henry and Livia's room like the fucking creature from the black lagoon, and I could not for the life of me figure out 1. If that was a man in black face and 2. Why they would do that at all for any reason whatsoever. Whatever the answers to those questions, I watched it alone in a very creeky house as a non-white young woman and it was objectively every bit as terrifying as I thought it would be. Then I watched it with Zoe and I started noticing a very disturbing obsession with the aforementioned minstrelsy man and the spooky mental distortion they incorporate in the show to really make it an immersive experience, no matter who you are and whether or not you've experienced any of the stuff that the Emory's did. I mean, just well done, from tip to toe. Da Tap Dance man and the way they portrayed the ghosts, and even whatever the fuck demon that cursed Hiram Epps, was all sufficiently bone-chilling, and honestly even more interesting to the avid viewer. 6.6/7 I can't wait for the second season. I have absolutely no idea how they're going to pick up from where they left off, but if this show were a wine, it would be a deep, bloody red with lots of spice and a very smooth, earthy finish.
14. The House (2022)
Zoe: This collection of three stories is pretty wild. I can appreciate the craftsmanship it took to create each of these characters, as well as the time the stop motion would have taken. The first two stories were a lot more engaging than the last one, but the second was by far the best. The first is story horrifying, and the people's faces are so incredibly weird. But, it doesn't begin to step into the shock part 2 brings you. The absolute engrossing into the psychotic break this mouse has is sad and funny to experience. Nothing will be better than the bug dance number. The last one, about a cat renovating the home, is just not the ending this journey needed. 4.5/7.
Laani: Well... It's the beetle dance scene for me. And then the guy turned into a LITERAL RAT. I mean, not that he wasn't already a rat, but that part of the movie really did it for me. Do you ever read or watch something unfold and you're like "They definitely wrote this bit first and then were like: oh, we have to put more stuff around it to make it make sense or to give it pizazz or whatever" That's how I feel about this bit, the 2nd third of this tale. This story, in specific, was just a wee bit too jarring and deep and personal and OH MY GOD ARE THOSE BUGS DANCING and GEE CRIMINY IS HE LITERALLY HARASSING HIS DENTIST and HE'S LITERALLY GOING INSANE THOSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING BUGS. The other two stories just didn't hit me like that, unfortunately. I couldn't really grasp what the whole point to the first one was. Like who was that man that was like a big baby benjamin franklin and who was the man who was absolutely fuckin off his rock terrified of him but still doing his bidding and why did they turn into furniture and what happened to the daughters why did the house catch on fire at the end? Was the house simply too much of an abomination that it couldn't be allowed to persist? And I did like the kind of subversion of expectations with the third on ending on a sort of cheerful note. I did appreciate that, but 1. does that mean that the incidents that happen have nothing to do with the house, itself, and more to do with the land it was built on? Since she was able to sail away and live out the rest of her natural life as a fucking hotel pirate(?) 2. I wish this would've been a longer series of stories surrounding this house- like what happened in between the listing gone wrong and the flood? Where did the daughters from the first one go and were they off telling people never to return to that house? I would be. It would be quite literally my life's mission. A longer list of incidents with a fuller narrative would've benefitted this movie tremendously, but overall, very effective even without it. In this way, it also kind of strikes me as a concept series in which a group of writers were given the words "The House" and expected to do something with them, and THEN they combined them all into being the same house. That would be pretty cool if that's what this is, but Netflix apparently wants nothing to do with anything that describes this movie past: They all thought this house would be the answer to their problems. But in fact, their problems were just beginning. The movie as a whole thing... like a 3.3/7. It gave me a lot to work with, it just hardly made any sense. THE MIDDLE STORY, HOWEVER, fuckin 6.63/7 WHOO what an absolute banger. If this movie were a wine, it'd be if three different wineries produced three separate bottles, each a sweet, aromatic rosé, a deep dark spicy red, and a low proof hot sake, respectively, and the spicy red winery made theirs and was like "this wine is gonna fuck so hard. Only grown and sexy people here on this drink." And then the rosé winery poured their thing in there and was like "okay this is great. We're gonna sell a lot of this sort of savory treat for everyone and fried chicken lovers too." And then the first one was like wait no- but it was definitely already too late and now they're kind of just stuck with this savory, spicy, reddish concoction. And then the third one comes in and they're like "we got this, guys, don't worry." And they poured theirs in and everybody else was like "um cool but who are you and what the hell did you just do" and the third winery is like "A sake would go perfect with your thing. It'll make such a good foil to your savory spicy." And everybody just had to concede because nobody knew how to fix it and it ended up just having these different, very interesting and definitely not cohesive layers that all kind of made sense on their own but definitely not all together and nobody knew why they even did it or who asked them to in the beginning and then they all turn around and its the big baby benjamin franklin clapping his hands and giggling and everybody screams because that's awful and true to the canon of whatever the fuck universe this is, the whole place catches fire and nothing is left but the wine and all the burning added a fourth and final layer to the wine before the fur beetles got to it and sucked it all down.
15. Teeth (2008)
Zoe: I hated everything about this. They tried to girlboss this movie, and did not succeed. Between the step-brother, the first dude, and the old man at the end; I am traumatized. They really tried to look out for women and show the different situations that can be dangerous for them, but they were so over exaggerated and comical it lost the point. I was mortified: 2.5/7.
Laani: the dog ate the dick. the dog ate the dick. the dog ate the dickthedogatethedick... THE DOG ATE THE DICK !!! This is so funny and they do it like twice where she bites the guys dick off and a random animal ends up eating it and it's clearly got some very untapped themes that I'm very glad they dedicated this whole movie to shedding light to. There's just also so much... wrong... I got savvy to like three continuity errors but maybe there's more but also the three that we found were like big massive errors that transform the plot entirely and make it a worse movie. This movie seems like it was a really good idea in the writing room and then somewhere along the way, details just kept getting dropped on the concrete and some of them got picked back up and dropped again and then dusted of a little and then thrown right into the thing all dinged up like that and others were just kind of dropped and never spoken of again. 3.2/7 good themes and general concept. Silly-goofy ass execution. If this movie were a wine, it'd be a silly-goofy pumpkin wine where you're like wow that could be really good but then you invest in it. You go to a store and buy it and bring it home and open it and you're not the most excited, but you're definitely looking forward to how they're going to pull this off in a drinkable wine, and it tastes like a silly-goofy gag wine that might be pumpkin flavored, but might also be less appetizing than the toilet bowl water your cat is drinking right now.
16. The Velocipastor (2017)
Zoe: This is some kind of random college film that made me laugh harder than I would ever expect. It does not take itself seriously at all, which is why it is effective. From the "Burning Car" note at the beginning because the budget simply did not allow for a burning car and the dinosaur suit, I enjoyed this shitbag of a movie. 5/7.
Laani: This one was actually pretty funny. I gave Mystery Men a pretty scathing critique for some of the same things that this one is made funnier for. This movie just doesn't pretend to take itself seriously- honestly, I think I favor it because it's sort of a newer age spoof passion project that approaches the sensitive topics that Mystery Men takes for granted with a nuanced air of"...ya'll know we're joking. You'll be a'ight." and then throws a $3 dinosaur costume and really bad foley on top of it. It was a critical success from the first SFX card. 4.6/7 If this movie were a wine, it'd be one that's very obviously not real and made no promises of being tasty or accurate, but something they'd advertise in an SNL skit that's made from like unicorn lipo-waste and toothpaste to keep you pearly white, drunk, and uni-skinny, all in one!
17. Mommie Dearest (1981)
Zoe: This was rather depressing, and can get boring at many points. It really feels like it takes an eternity even though it's really an average length movie. The bad acting is really a huge issue here. I won't say too much considering it is a true story, but this was just a really average movie. 2.3/7.
Laani: Obviously, as a documentary film, this thing is based on a true story and it's horrible and gruesome and would be downright terrifying if everything about this film wasn't so unabashedly, gosh-darned awful!!! The acting, the directing, the continuity errors, the script, the unreliable and seemingly vapid ties to the source material. It does not feel like this movie was based on Christina's book AT ALL. It's really sad that this movie has such a high score in my mind as a comedic piece, but it deserves 0 points for its faithfulness to a story of child abuse and mental instability personified. However, it wins some points back for the apparent spooky happenings on set, like the lead actress's scripts and costumes going missing and the production team just randomly loosing a whole reel of film when they were about to start editing. That gives it a little more of a lore and makes it more interesting. Also, I know there's absolutely so much to cover in this story, but this movie is literally 2 hours and 9 minutes long. I did not deserve to watch Faye Dunaway get up there and do her thing and yell "NO WIRE HANGERS" at her child while beating her and then turning around and absolutely giving the worst performance as a real person in a documentary in the history of visual historical documentation for ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY NINE MINUTES straight. That being said, 3.6/7 It functions pretty well as a spoof piece if it's not tied to any of the real life stuff it models. Unfortunately, though, it does, and it pulls the rating down from what it might've been. If this wine were a movie, it'd be the dryest riesling on the planet earth accompanied by the reddest, bloodiest, most lively, rare, week old steak concievable.
18. Mystery Men (1999)
Zoe: This movie was really really talked up to me. However, it tries way too hard to be funny. There are so many jokes that are so redundant they lose their effectiveness after 5 minutes. I like Ben Stiller, but this movie just did not give the comedy that it needed to give. 1.5/7.
Laani: Now... hear me out. I am not a huge fan of a lot of goofy spoof movies. I am also not a... not...fan of them... I love Undercover Brother! Blankman! HOWEVER, this movie is so ridiculously bad and it tries too hard to be funny in a way that it's not funny. I mean, Ben Stiller absolutely GIVING as a superhero whose superpower IS becoming uncontrollably enraged with no way to express or otherwise act on it? *chef's kiss* Paul Reubens going in for a kiss with his whole mouth wide open after a non serious argument and even less serious reconciliation? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH The ill-placed slapstick between the Supermen and literally everyone else, all the time... eh... the cartoonish white guy fearlessly and almost romantically appropriating Indian culture... hmm... For Brody and Connor, I'm going to give this a 2.9/7, for its value as a nostalgic superhero parody film, its self-effacing abuse of tired old tropes, the astonishingly low budget with which it was produced, fake Andre 3000, fake BigBoi, and fake L.L. Cool J and Kel Mitchell as the invisible man who can only be invisible if no one is watching him. Also the soundtrack is pretty legend, but I'm not sure how to feel about the statement on Disco culture as a whole... If this movie were a wine, it would be a cheap, sweet, sweet wine cooler that your friends hyped up to you but when you taste it, it's just sort of... sugar and water and a little bit of wine... Like an IPA! But for people who only drink wine coolers!
Overall Scores:
Zoe: 1. Them (2021-?) 7/7
2. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2018) 6.6/7
3. Fresh (2022) 6.5/7
4. Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005) 6.3/7
5. Studio 666 (2022) 6/7
6. Osmosis Jones (2001) 5/7
7. The Velocipastor (2017) 5/7
8. The House (2022) 4.5/7
9. Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) 4.3/7
10. The King's Man (2022) 4.2/7
11. The Fly (1986) 4/7
12. Teeth (2008) 2.5/7
13. Mommie Dearest (1981) 2.3/7
14. Odd Thomas (2014) 2/7
15. Catwoman (2004) 2/7
16. Mystery Men (1999) 1.5/7
17. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) 1/7
18. Spawn (1997) .5/7
Laani:1. Them (2021-?) 6.6/7
2. Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005) 5.97/7
3. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2018) and Studio 666 (2022) 5.7/7
4. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988) and Fresh (2022) 5.6/7
5. The Fly (1986) 5.3/7
6. The Kingsman (2021) and The Velocipastor (2017) 4.6/7
7. Osmosis Jones (2001) 4.5/7
8. Catwoman (2004) 4/7
9. Spawn (1997) 3.7/7
10. Mommie Dearest (1981) 3.6/7
11. The House (2022) 3.3/7
12. Teeth (2008) 3.2/7
13. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) 3/7
14. Mystery Men (1999) 2.9/7
15. Odd Thomas (2014) 2.07/7