Here's the thing.
I know it sounds very strange, but I am very convinced that every single piece of media has a distinct taste and no one can change my mind.
A few months ago, Zoe and I watched Dave Grohl's episode of Hot Ones and ever since, I've been saying that Dad Rock probably tastes like a specialty cocktail that Dave Grohl mixed with his fingers right after he sampled different hot sauces in varying degrees of hotness. I have not been dissuaded in this opinion, and therefore feel it is not only my right, but my God (or otherwise higher power)- given duty to express this and other distinct taste profiles to the masses.
Please enjoy... or not, who knows.
First up:
Dad Rock
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Classic Rock you first heard from your dad's old record collection.
Some Dad Rock Artists I Personally Enjoy:
The Dickies, Sound Garden, Kansas, Golden Earring, The Doors, Foo Fighters (obviously I wasn't gonna not put Dave Grohl's own band in here), Pink Floyd, The Killers, Green Day, Grateful Dead, Led Zepplin
Flavor Profile:
A specialty cocktail that Dave Grohl mixed with his fingers right after he sampled different hot sauces in varying degrees of hotness.
Alternative
Urban Dictionary Definition:
A less intense version of rock and a more intense version of pop. Typically strays from the generic lyrics of pop. Lots of sub-categories, but the main two are alternative rock and alternative pop. Pretty much anything that doesn't fall into the distinct categories like rock, pop, jazz, classical, etc.
Some Alternative Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Vampire Weekend, The Strokes, Weezer, The Black Keys, The White Stripes, Cage The Elephant, Two Door Cinema Club, Bastille, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Orion Express, Panic! at the Disco (with great reluctance, I even mention it)
Flavor Profile:
Finding a can of sweet maraschino cherries and enjoying them in the pouring rain, feet dangling off of a steep overlook, which happens to be an extreme and rare luxury because it's the zombie apocalypse and you've got a whole horde of zombies clambering at your feet just uniformly enough that you can imagine they all want your cherries and not your flesh. But you smile because you know they can't have any of either today.
Indie/Baroque Pop
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Independent music. The anti-"emo". (well, maybe like emo's second cousin twice-removed with more talent, skill, and IQ)
In simplest terms, baroque pop is a form of music that conflates rock 'n roll with classical.
Some Indie/ Baroque Pop Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Mother Mother, Autoheart, Evelyn Evelyn, Louie Zong, Florence and the Machine, Scissor Sisters, Foster The People, Cosmo Sheldrake, MGMT, Andrew Bird, Lana Del Ray
Flavor Profile:
A specialty drink from a hometown restaurant that's actually the best drink you've ever had at any restaurant. But like, enjoying it at 2am, sitting on a blanket on top of your best friend's car, talking about your uniquely controversial opinions on every controversial thing you can think of.
New Wave
Urban Dictionary Definition:
A form of rock music very popular in the 1980s. It originated in the late 1970s and lasted until around 1992. The sounds are very electronic, using synthesizers and other keyed instruments.
Some New Wave Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Blondie, Billy Joel, Village People, Talking Heads, Donna Summer, Oingo Boingo, The Police, Cyndi Lauper, Joy Division, The B-52's, Duran Duran
Flavor Profile:
An ice-cold wine cooler at a summer festival that was totally legal because you purchased it there, but which you carry around in a rainbow dipped flask like some sort of super conspicuous contraband.
Funk
Urban Dictionary Definition:
A style of music emerging in the late 1960's blending soul, jazz and R&B, mostly played by African Americans at the time.
->The person who wrote this then went on to roast Red Hot Chili Peppers and Rage Against the Machine and their fans but this is the best one I could find that didn't mention Bootsy's magical tit ball from space once (1).<-
Some Funk Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Bootsy Collins, Thundercat, Tank and The Bangas, Prince, Kool and The Gang, ALI, Rick James, Curtis Mayfield, Issac Hayes, Ohio Players, Jamiroquai
Flavor Profile:
Trying acid for the second time in your childhood home with siblings you never really got along with and then ending up eating a blue fire flavored ice cream on top of a sparkly unicorn bass guitar who keeps asking you in a deep purple French accent to "Get off. You're heavy and wet."
Jazz Fusion
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Mixture between funk and the chords of Jazz creating this new type of modern day sounding jazz.
->Can incorporate other genres besides funk, such as electronic, blues, metal, etc. This was legit the ONLY entry on urban dictionary. Listen, I thought it would be funny to use Urban Dictionary for the Dad Rock one and then it just became increasingly difficult for the other genres<-
Some Jazz Fusion Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Seatbelts, Esperanza Spalding, Santana, Chick Corea, Wayne Shorter, John Patitucci, Miles Davis, Chicago, Steely Dan, Casiopea, Snarky Puppy
Flavor Profile:
Fresh seafood gumbo with a different note in every bite, which you enjoy while doing very complex calculus that the longevity of human life as we know it depends on.
Neo Soul
Urban Dictionary Definition:
R&B that is made for a more jazzy, funk sophistacated taste. Unlike r&b pop artists like [redacted], neo-soul is real. It is associated with hip hop not to be confused with gangsta rap, trip hop, classic soul, and street culture. the term was originated by Kedar Massenburg from Motown records in the late 90s.
->This person doesn't use the word soul in here once besides mentioning the name of the thing, so just imagine you're listening to soul music and it's neo... Not to be confused with Ne-Yo, though he's great too. <-
Some Neo Soul Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Erykah Badu, Kali Uchis, D'Angelo, India Arie, Maxwell, Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott, The Roots, John Legend, Alicia Keys, Solange Knowles
Flavor Profile:
Sitting on the floor after successfully training your puppy (annoying but beautiful and very sweet and whom you love) to ring a bell when he needs to piss outside, breaking into a cuddle and drinking your dark, luscious cabernet while your favorite movie plays in the background.
Swing
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Possibly the greatest music form of all time. Originated in the early 1920's, originated from early jazz types and strong African-American influence. Strong comeback of Swing occurred in 1998 with bands like the Cherry Poppin Daddies and The Straycats.
->This person is probably a fan :) <-
Some Swing Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (Revival), Ella Fitzgerald, Duke Ellington, Cab Calloway, Benny Goodman, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong, The Andrews Sisters, Louis Prima, Glen Miller, Peggy Lee
Flavor Profile:
A dizzy spell after swing dancing your ass off and that first crisp sip of rejuvenating, ice-cold water before another gentleperson asks for your hand and it's back into the fire of that hot old repurposed church.
Indie Folk
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Bands that combine indie rock/pop and 50's/60's folk music of artists such as Bob Dylan and Nick Drake.
Some Indie Folk Artists I Personally Enjoy:
The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Of Monsters and Men, Sea Wolf, The Oh Hellos, Vance Joy, Passenger, Ingrid Michaelson, Anais Mitchell, Ma Muse, Handsome Ghost
Flavor Profile:
Sitting on a dock at midday while fog gently settles over the water, a good beer in your hand and whatever's either gonna jumpstart the apocalypse, or already has on the horizon.
Metal
Urban Dictionary Definition:
A heavier form of rock and roll music, that is definately not for everybody. However, if you like music that is violent, heavy, and generally badass, I recommend going to your nearest record store and buying a Priest or Maiden album. If you like rock music, but wish it was heavier, you won't regret it, trust me.
-> I want you to know that most of these definitions were basically disclaimers saying you will not like this music if you are anyone other than Andy Biersack or Ozzy Osbourne and I just thought it was very funny that Metal is the only genre on this list that has to come with a warning label. At least Dad Rock is proud of what it is. <-
Some Metal Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Black Veil Brides, Slipknot, Black Sabbath, Rob Zombie, Disturbed, System of A Down, Deep Purple, Alice In Chains, Korn, Papa Roach, Asking Alexandria
Flavor Profile:
Trying absinthe for the first and last time in the back of a funeral you weren't invited to and seeing the man's ghost rise up out of his thing and ask you what the fuck you think you're doing. I can not explain this any further. It's just the way it is.
Alternative Rock
Urban Dictionary Definition:
An umbrella term used to describe a style of music that emerged in the late 80's and early 90's. Alternative Rock is usually characterized by bands who have a "do-it-yourself" or non-conformist attitude; hence "alternative".
->I promise this was the very nicest definition I could find. People are literally so mad about this genre.<-
Some Alternative Rock Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Trauma Illinois, Gorillaz, Radiohead, 30 Seconds To Mars (And nobody @ me), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Arctic Monkeys, Breaking Benjamin, Kings of Leon, 3 Doors Down, Nine Inch Nails, Paramore
Flavor Profile:
Going to your first rock concert with good friends and having the time of your freaking life and even getting to meet the band but the speakers decide you'll never need your ears again and your beer is like... not good? At all?
Pop
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Popular music. A collective genre, also referred to as Pop, Chart Music, Top 40, or Hits, it primarily focuses on wide circulation, sales and the marketability of the "artists" than on creative or artistic content.
-> I don't really think I have to say anything about this but... pfft..... I still like pop, okay. It's on here because I like it <-
Some Pop Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Seal, Harry Styles, Katy Perry, Ed Sheeran, Michael Jackson, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Lady Gaga, Elis Regina (Brazilian Pop), Bee gees, Beyoncé
Flavor Profile:
Rice pudding that you've always seen on the menu at a restaurant you frequent. You put it in your mouth right there where you stand and realize that it only hits when it hits and at no other time.
Hip Hop
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Hip Hop is a social-political movement created in the late 70's. Hip Hop is a culture to give people who grew up in the ghetto a voice, songs in hip hop are spoken from personal experience.
Some Hip Hop Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Grandmaster Flash, Sugarhill Gang, Slick Rick, OutKast, Insane Clown Posse, 2 Pac, Common, Fugees, Akon, Mos Def, Kid Cudi, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, Lizzo
Flavor Profile:
Walking down the street at night with sunglasses covering your eyes, on your way to grandma's house with the Lee's Chicken that you just bought with the loose bills you forgot you stuffed in your pockets yesterday.
R&B
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Rhythm and Blues music, or R&B music, was originally termed "race music" and basically included any form of music intended for black audiences. A combination of jazz, gospel, and blues, the term "R&B" was originally coined in the late 1940’s in the United States to be used as a less offensive marketing term.
Some R&B Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Luther Vandross, Diana Ross, Barry White, Earth Wind and Fire, Donny Hathaway, TLC, Jaheim, Bill Withers, Liniker e os Caramelows, Janelle Monae, Chaka Khan, The Temptations
Flavor Profile:
Falling in love in the living room around the Christmas tree with some turkey, collard greens, cranberry sauce, and sparkling grape juice with the smell of new stuff in the air. But also, hair grease and a hot comb on the stove.
Electropop
Urban Dictionary Definition:
Electronic music is a term for music created using electronic devices.
-> Taken from a much, much, much lengthier description <-
Popular music is a collective genre, also referred to as Pop, Chart Music, Top 40, or Hits, it primarily focuses on wide circulation, sales and the marketability of the "artists" than on creative or artistic content.
Some Electropop Artists I Personally Enjoy:
Stromae, Daft Punk, Passion Pit, David Guetta, Calvin Harris, Caravan Palace, Avicii, Marina and The Diamonds, Owl City, Lorde, Kesha
Flavor Profile:
Jumping into a pool at your own concert while full of various IPA's and/or acids and then getting back on stage and getting electrocuted by your equipment but you're like fine because you're high and drunk as a one winged kite and absolutely vibing. (a variation of this story can be traced back to Dave Grohl, but he's not electronic, so let's never talk about this again)
Source: Urban Dictionary
Redacted was Beyoncé, btw.
-Laani
“What I'm trying to do is make impressions. I think of myself as a colourist, adding different colours and shades by using different techniques and touching the guitar in different ways. I'd like to play sounds you can see if you've got your eyes closed.”
-Lenny Breau